If tomorrow never comes
by xxjonasangelxx
Summary: Castle and Beckett have just come home from another bad case and once again Castle starts to wonder what he has to do to make her see how much he cares about her... what will it take for her to see? and just how far is he willing to go? Songfic - Caskett


**I'm not so good at one shots, at the whole don't babble and keep to the point thing. But this... this just flowed so well I just couldn't not write it. I hope you don't think it was too waffly. I have tried to put Martha, Alexis and Beckett Dad into it so it wasn't just me repeating myself (which I know I was) **

**But hopely the repeation will help you understand what Castle feels... and knowing that they aren't together makes me want to sing this song to them, just so they would get over their pride and tell enough other.. It's driving me Craaaazzzyyy :( x**

**Anyways.. Enjoy 3 **

If tomorrow never comes - Ronan Keating

_Sometimes late at night_  
><em>I lie awake and watch her sleeping<em>  
><em>She's lost in peaceful dreams<em>  
><em>So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark<em>  
><em>And the thought crosses my mind<em>  
><em>If I never wake up in the morning<em>  
><em>Would she ever doubt the way I feel<em>  
><em>About her in my heart.<em>

She had gone to bed early having gotten back from a bad case and wanted an early night, after almost dying and having to watch me risk my life to keep her safe she was ready for an early night. The case had left me restless so I let her go with a kiss goodnight and spoke I love you. She just hummed in response before climbing the stairs. I sat in my office needing to vent and tried to write, anything, nothing. Just to lose myself in something unimportant and yet hard enough to make my body (and brain) realise just how tired I was.

After a couple of hours of trying and not having achieved much, I check the time which was nearing 2am I finally went up to bed. I got changed in my usual pyjamas and slide under the covers happy for the worth but still as awake as ever. Yurning of my bed side lamp that I had turned on a few minutes prior to help me see. I didn't bother trying to sleep I knew it was hopeless with all these thoughts in my head, I just lay there starring at the overly familiar ceiling.

I glance over at my wife, my beautiful too good to be true, Kate Beckett lying next to me. She really was my whole life, my whole world. The thoughts of our 2 years of marriage and 6 years as a couple I started thinking about just how much she means to me and just how stubborn I was to see the obvious truth of our relationship, as a smile content smile appears on my face, the same kidn of smile appeared on her face, she was obviously having a happy dream. One that made her wriggle closer to me burying her head into my shoulder and lay her arm over my chest snuggling as close as she could. It was what she did almost every night I got into bed later than her, which was becoming more and more of a frequent thing. I had at first thought she just couldn't sleep without someone to cuddle but I realised she did it subconsiciously as if the few hours apart were enough to make her want to hold me close and know someone cares. But that's the thing, does she know someone cares?

Does she know how much I love her? Does she know the only reason I risked my life the hours before right now was because I'd rather die than live without her and I know how corny and sappy that sounds but it was the truth. The painful honest to heaven and god truth and it almost broke my heart to think that she might not know that. If I was never to wake up again would she be able to continue through life without me with knowing that I loved her like she was the the most important thing in the whole universe to me, close to Alexis and my mother? Would she know just how much she truly meant to me? The answer I always seemed to come to never helped me sleep much.

_If tomorrow never comes_  
><em>Will she know how much I loved her<em>  
><em>Did I try in every way to show her every day<em>  
><em>That she's my only one<em>  
><em>And if my time on earth were through<em>  
><em>And she must face this world without me<em>  
><em>Is the love I gave her in the past<em>  
><em>Gonna be enough to last<em>  
><em>If tomorrow never comes<em>

Those thoughts stuck with me for weeks, I spent every waking moment glancing over at her when she was with me, thinking about her when she wasn't and spent night after night staying awake thinking about how I was to make her see it. I tried to act normal, tried to make it seem as if nothing was bothering me. But even with the thought of me no longer living it wasn't that made me angry, frustrated almost upset to tears. It was the fact that she was my one, my only and she might not know how much I loved her. (this is really the writer in me coming out isn't it?) I've tried of course, flowers, chocolate, romantic expensive dinners, trips to Paris, a wedding that cost more than I made writing my first book, the best clothes and gym money could buy and a bracelet let she kept as safe as her mother's wedding ring and her father's watch even little notes at random times with poems I've written or known, or just a simple I love you. But is that enough? Was I ever going to be enough? Is that enough to make me burn in her memory for the rest of her life? Even if I was no longer around. I know I'm a immature sometimes, irresponsibly with my life and the care of those around me have for me. But would she forget me? Move on and me just being another thing for her to lose, she had a long list of things lost and I would hate to think I would be the latest and possibly the most painful part of that list.

_'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life_  
><em>Who never knew how much I loved them<em>  
><em>Now I live with the regret<em>  
><em>That my true feelings for them never were revealed<em>  
><em>So I made a promise to myself<em>  
><em>To say each day how much she means to me<em>  
><em>And avoid that circumstance<em>  
><em>Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel<em>

I've lost those around me before to though it was never as much as Kate and that was why I never brought him up much. My uncle Ed he was like a father to me. I cherish him, he was the fun yet strict parent that got me interesting in writing in the first place, with the constant poetry he wrote and read to me I just picked up on it and loved it. When he was murdered when I was 16 I took to Mystery writing in his honour and now thinking back on it I could have gone somewhere really dark after his death and in a sense I kind of did. It was my way of saying sorry, sorry I let you down. Sorry I never told you how much I cared, sorry the last thing I ever said to you was I hate you and never want to see you again. I've lived with that regret for over 20 years now and I just hope somewhere upstairs he's seeing that I love him more than anything in the world.

I regret saying that to him, I regret Mother's understanding of my anger toward him and my guilt when he died, I regretted that because of him I met Beckett, that the one bad most horrific thing in my life gave me something to improve my life. He gave me best thing in the world to ever have and to hold till death do us part. I have told Kate about him in an attempt to show her once again how much she meant to me and to share yet again something else about myself that only Alexis and Mother would know and she just kissed me softly told me that just like her mother they would want us to be happy, she understood I knew that she understood much more than most people, but she would always think that my life just took a lucky turn and I dare not mention to her that at around the time he died I would have killed to get him back and once again went to bed for an early night.

It was that moment that I promise to make her see it, no matter how long, how hard, how expensive it would turn out to be I was going to spend the rest of my life telling her how I feel and with every attempt I reminded myself that there might never be another chance to tell her how I feel, with our job and Kate's investigation into her Mother's murder I know every day could be out last, ever kiss could be our last and every word of honest heartfelt love could be our last.

_So tell that someone that you love_  
><em>Just what you're thinking of<em>  
><em>If tomorrow never comes<em>

Do you know what it took for her to understand just how I felt? Get her pregnant. I know what you are thinking, but no it was not planned and noo I did not just do it for the sake our own relationship benefit. It was an accident, it was just coming up to our 3rd wedding annerisary and I was yet again planning a night out and the another good romantic evening. But when I came home with dinner I heard someone being sick in the sink. I turned around to see Kate leaning over. I dropped my keys and Chinese on the table and rushed over to her just as she took to rising her mouth out with water. I turned to her in worry

"Kate? What's the matter?" She turned to me with the brightest smile I'd ever seen. She pulled me into a tight hug before sighing in happy relief. I shake my head pulling away totally confused

"You know for a women who's just thrown up you seem to be awfully happy about it" Her smile only widened (Which I was surprised was even possible)

"I'm late Rick. I'm late" I raised my eyebrow in really confusion and wondered if hallucinations are part of whatever was making her sick.

"Late? Late for what Kate you are make no sense?" Kate roll her eye in her usual 'oh it's rick' kind of way.

"Late for my monthly bleed Rick. I think I'm—" The shock on my face must have been a sight because Alexis had just gone down from her room, already changed and ready for bed, obviously enjoying one of her quiet days today.

"Dad why do you look like Amy did when she found our River song was her daughter?" I turned to face her zombie like as she came to sat with us in the kitchen of the family home.

"Pregnant" Was all I could mutter and before I knew it Alexis was hugging Kate tight, sending congradulations her way. Alexis was accepting it, it was hard to believe. She'd always been very annoying with me for choosing Kate over the responsibilities I had to the house and myself. She had always resented Kate for meaning so much to me. Kate had taken it in stride saying that she fully understand why Alexis might feel that way because for most of her life it's just been him and her against the world and now she's in the picture. Alexis slowly came around when Kate had picked her up when once again Ashley had left her waiting around Christmas eve in the heavy snow and her being on her way home and her having being on the phone with me at the time Kate offered and with that that they did their usual girlie heart to hear thing and ever since they'd been best friends, mother and daughter.

When our other little girl that we called her Johanna in memory of her Mother her Dad came up to while Kate was sleeping and I was rocking Jo in my arms. He said

"Rick. You take good care of them, spend the rest of your life showing them how much you love them and try and give Kate what I never could. A constant in her life other than alcohol and hungry. Please" He looked like he too might cry, Mr. Beckett had never been a man to visit much, he knew Kate liked indepence and knew that as much as he wanted to be a part of her life, she was a grown women now, not the child he had missed raising properly. Me? I came to a realization with those words he'd said. What I had been trying to tell Kate I was already doing it. With every kiss, every word, ever smile on our daughters face I was showing her that she was my life and that I cannot and will not live without her.. now to just prove myself to Johanna too.

So why am I writing all this to you? Well why do you think Moron? It's to tell you to swallow your pride and Think. Think real hard about what you would do without your partner or your best friend? Or even your mother? Or just perhaps someone around you that you know you cannot live without. What if something happens to them tomorrow? What happens if something happens to you? Would they know that you love them? Would they know just how much they mean to you? Working in my line of work I see a lot of death, a lot of regret, I know how much not saying, not knowing that they loved you can hurt. So please, for your own good as well as the one you love because they're probably trying to tell you the very same thing, no matter how much they've done in the past that might upset or anger you or just plain want to knock sense into them. Tell them what you feel because sometimes Just sometimes, Tomorrow might never come.


End file.
